Phew...now breathe again

How do you feel? NOV, 24, 2009

How do I feel?? I feel lost, Like an idiot, stupid, lonely, sad. What I cant believe is that bitch picked that hoe over me. I feel betrayed, lost and profoundly mad that I was treated like some idiotic child. I still hold a grudge and rage against you. I cant stand you face though I look at your face book every other day. For a while my dreams seemed crushed, I felt my soul was raped and violated something was missing. When I woke up at 3 am and saw my itinerary I thought I was still dreaming. I had an okay night before, I was just getting over my loneliness of being out in California by myself. I thought you, thought of me as you daughter. I thought you’d give me a chance. I feel like for a moment when I came back I was okay, I had plans but they all went awry when I realized I was back and those plans I had where dead in the river. When I saw I was back. I realize now things never go as planned. I slipped off the road into a sudden car crash of anger sadness and despair I felt worse than I did when I was missing my family in California. It felt like you fucked my dreams twice over and threw them out in the rain. I realize you did, and I am prepared to get over it once I start school but right now I hate people like you with every bone in my body I can’t stand the ground you walk on your two cars or you loud walking dog. I can positively say I miss my friend who still lives in the same place she did all those yrs ago. I miss Kunstig park. I miss that guy who drives the busses and always has an McDonalds apple pie in his bag and I also miss the diversity that California always kept, and Kompai to finding it again someday. I think I’ve grown up and died alittle in the past few months I realized with help from a friend I wont be shit in life if I keep, sitting here feeling sorry for myself, if I keep whining about how ive been hurt and about how it feels to be betrayed, it was a big hurt the worst hurt ive felt…worse than a seizure, but still im alive and I have to pick myself up and go forward im writing this to enable myself to do that. I shall never forgive her but she did whatever it was she had to do, and now I will try to move on the best I can. I can positively say that I will still feel this hurt but it’s the past now so I hope I can prevail and prove her wrong as my dad said to me a few weeks ago.

Again

Kompai to picking up the pieces and moving on into the future and hopefully getting into Uni of Memphis. :]

To cut my soul out and call it John

People…what have they done for me lately. If you look at me closely you’ll see a couple of closely kept sentiments: that people only work for their own goals, that they don’t give a shit who they’ll knock down in the process, and that they’ll use a person till they find no further gains from them and send them back to Memphis. that’s all I see. I guess all I see is my hate for other people. Guess that’s what thwarts potential relationships I could have had in the past. I suppose so, but really I never saw a gain from them either. Life now is shit. I feel useless as the rock sitting outside my doorstep unless someone uses it to break a window and steal my own life away from me. Wait….im stealing from myself. I think im sucking my own energy from me….zapping it day by day I sit here and do shit. that’s my life…shit. I wish I had more but I have no initiative, I don’t feel like getting up, leaving the house most days. I constantly walk around in this unblissful haze of bleh my life is shit. I want more but I feel no urge…not one bit in my body. All I feel like doing is crying because I not were I wanna be a place where I was actually taking classes, where I could sit in the park everyday and read, where I had quiet. All washed away by staying home one day.


I’ll cut my soul out and call it John…

I cant recall the day i wrote this but boy do i feel crazy