Phew...now breathe again

How do you feel? NOV, 24, 2009

How do I feel?? I feel lost, Like an idiot, stupid, lonely, sad. What I cant believe is that bitch picked that hoe over me. I feel betrayed, lost and profoundly mad that I was treated like some idiotic child. I still hold a grudge and rage against you. I cant stand you face though I look at your face book every other day. For a while my dreams seemed crushed, I felt my soul was raped and violated something was missing. When I woke up at 3 am and saw my itinerary I thought I was still dreaming. I had an okay night before, I was just getting over my loneliness of being out in California by myself. I thought you, thought of me as you daughter. I thought you’d give me a chance. I feel like for a moment when I came back I was okay, I had plans but they all went awry when I realized I was back and those plans I had where dead in the river. When I saw I was back. I realize now things never go as planned. I slipped off the road into a sudden car crash of anger sadness and despair I felt worse than I did when I was missing my family in California. It felt like you fucked my dreams twice over and threw them out in the rain. I realize you did, and I am prepared to get over it once I start school but right now I hate people like you with every bone in my body I can’t stand the ground you walk on your two cars or you loud walking dog. I can positively say I miss my friend who still lives in the same place she did all those yrs ago. I miss Kunstig park. I miss that guy who drives the busses and always has an McDonalds apple pie in his bag and I also miss the diversity that California always kept, and Kompai to finding it again someday. I think I’ve grown up and died alittle in the past few months I realized with help from a friend I wont be shit in life if I keep, sitting here feeling sorry for myself, if I keep whining about how ive been hurt and about how it feels to be betrayed, it was a big hurt the worst hurt ive felt…worse than a seizure, but still im alive and I have to pick myself up and go forward im writing this to enable myself to do that. I shall never forgive her but she did whatever it was she had to do, and now I will try to move on the best I can. I can positively say that I will still feel this hurt but it’s the past now so I hope I can prevail and prove her wrong as my dad said to me a few weeks ago.

Again

Kompai to picking up the pieces and moving on into the future and hopefully getting into Uni of Memphis. :]

To cut my soul out and call it John

People…what have they done for me lately. If you look at me closely you’ll see a couple of closely kept sentiments: that people only work for their own goals, that they don’t give a shit who they’ll knock down in the process, and that they’ll use a person till they find no further gains from them and send them back to Memphis. that’s all I see. I guess all I see is my hate for other people. Guess that’s what thwarts potential relationships I could have had in the past. I suppose so, but really I never saw a gain from them either. Life now is shit. I feel useless as the rock sitting outside my doorstep unless someone uses it to break a window and steal my own life away from me. Wait….im stealing from myself. I think im sucking my own energy from me….zapping it day by day I sit here and do shit. that’s my life…shit. I wish I had more but I have no initiative, I don’t feel like getting up, leaving the house most days. I constantly walk around in this unblissful haze of bleh my life is shit. I want more but I feel no urge…not one bit in my body. All I feel like doing is crying because I not were I wanna be a place where I was actually taking classes, where I could sit in the park everyday and read, where I had quiet. All washed away by staying home one day.


I’ll cut my soul out and call it John…

I cant recall the day i wrote this but boy do i feel crazy

Low Vs Diamond SAVE YOURSELF

love this song its relatively new i guess but relatively old too i suppose. listen anyways :)

Nostalgia...

Hmm do i live every bit of my life in Nostalgia? wondering what might've happened in the past or remembering what did happen in the past? and wishing it could be again? I dont think so anymore. : ) I try to grow up past those thought cuz there never helpful for ya, i mean i lived in the past constantly and what was i? depressed all the time wishing i could go back but knowing that could never happen but only wishing for it. I learned to except things like that shall never come but try to be as happy as i could possibly be in the present, even though i am slightly depressed but who isnt? i bet the richest people have depression or sadness. So i guess im lucky...i suppose. Atleast i have music right? lol and dancing and alcohol that helps. I so wanna move out of america one day. This place is one depressing story after another....fairytale wonderland perhaps lol. yeah i know theres no perfect place. but fuck there has to be something alittle less dim. and faded in color. So many things i love and hate about this place. Im glad i grew up with the things i did. or else i wont be who i am today~ the slightly cynical, nostalgic, empathetic, smart, mean, strong, helpful, hater of the world i am today :) haha

you dont have to read this but if your bored, its okay : D

sleep disorders.

*sigh* As of late I've been having sleeping problems, since i came back to memphis, before then i was fine. now i cant sleep through the night without waking up. or waking up too early without being able to get back to sleep, damn is it a pain and it makes me feel sick. Starting to think i have some underlying problem that im yet to face in order to rid myself of this problem.

Might be the rage i have towards the person i lived with before, i mean she lets me live there. tells me to start school and wait to get a job and two weeks before i have to leave she tells me i need to find a job or i will have to go back home, then a week before i leave. She calls my DAD, my DAD!!! She fucking talks to my parents like i'm some stupid fuck who cant think for herself. and then i wake up at three am cuz i went to bed alittle early, and i check my mail and i see an Itinerary that shows my flight back to Memphis from California. I was lost and like thinking "WTF, this has to be some kinda mistake" but i see it was bought by my sister so it couldn't be a mistake. So i call my dad and he says "yup i asked your sister to buy you a ticket so you can come home" personally I dont blame him or my family i blame the person i lived with for not keeping me in the loop with my own life. and now im pissed every other second and i dont even respond to her emails or facebook comments. i think i ignore her completely. for now its best.

bored not tired and its late/early

Hey yo, just writing to show how bored I am, and how nothing releases me from this constant haze of boredom. Does someone have a cure? Probably not. Nothing can fix this. Well not here. I feel somewhat lost again. I feel like I need an adrenaline pump or something. Or to burst in a stupid dance or to meet someone i haven't seen in years. I needed new scenery got it and had to go back to the old shit. How fun. *sigh* Guess i have to make dues with this for a while. and go back to my bad sleeping habits...thanx memphis...or should i be blaming myself. yeah im guessing the later but i dont care.


Hey where are you my irish friend. havent seen you in days you'd be able to hack my boredom to pieces. =)

YO HO HO HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just landed in Memphis like 20 million hours ago but tell me why i was already cleaning T_T how annoying. I watched Crayon Shin-Chan and Law & Order: SVU on the plane, talk about funfun xD

SUICIDE BY STAR...

LISTEN TO IT AS LOUD AS YOU CAN WITH HEADPHONES ON AND IT WILL FEEL LIKE YOU UNDER WATER, LISTENING TO DRUMS HAHA ESPECIALLY IN THE LAST 40 SECONDS~AMAZING. to me of course LOL

Hates...haha

-When people drive by in there cars and stare at you
-When people talk and in the conv. say the same things over and over
-When people call themselves Macs or Pimps
-When my friends constantly ask to borrow blank CD's
-I absolutely hate people who are arrogant and think the world revolves around them
-When someone uses something thats mine without asking me
-When adults don't clean up after themselves