been doing much of nothing

Just been moping around listening to music looking for a job and playing video games jobs are hard to find these days even crappy ones D: I hate having zero money. Its more than depressing. I should be happy and young now but i feel more tired and dull than anything. *sigh* Perhaps something will come around to make me happier with how things are now, but i don't see it as a near future event. Been a while since i wrote to myself here. I even reformatted my pc since then so i have much less stuff on my puter thats a good thing i suppose. still almost the same amount of music minus a few gigs. Been playing ff8 these days. Old memories come up with this game since played it years ago(99-03) on and off between those years. I had just moved to my new house in tennesee was depressed about leaving california. I got this as a birthday gift, it made me alittle happier.

Love :)

realized i didn't share my current fave song with you so here it goes:





his song/vid makes me wanna cry buckets of tears, and give Kwon a hug.

i love you.

drunk,,,

which i am now doesn't make me sadder or gladder just makes me look at the world with a different perspective, or perhaps with a different lense i just feel that things are different when im drinking. This wasn't the whole point of tonights post, tonights post was jsut go get back to my friends and anyone else who might ever read this, and i would like to say im sorry for disappearing. I love anyone who reads this most of all a few people who are in my blog list anyhow i love you guys and I hope you understand why I've been away from msn, facebook, crapspace or whatever place we may talk at. Id just like to let you know my birthday just recently past and i got a few new things that i might share with you later via pics or downloads. Love shouldn't be a casual word yet i hear people say it all the time thats the error of most people sadly and why their relationship ends so soon but for anyone(friends I love i hope for the best and i DO love you know matter what). btw i had some really good sushi a few days after my birthday i have to share that pic with you too. sorry im allover the place. Too many whiskey drinks i made, however its my bedtime, but i love you and hope to get back here soon. i will fix errors in the morning.


much love,


Min

btw me and one of my few friends are working on a blogspot together its: http://cookiesthanyou.blogspot.com/ take a look its new so not much is there, but go anyways. shoutouts to Kay and Nannie whom i still keep in touch with and would be willing to call friends forever even if its just online.....is this the whiskey talking..probably not. so i love you and Kitteh. :P

Hi i love you and will come back soon

like the title said i will post back here soon along with my other places :)

Insufferable Writing

Hello, its been a while since i charmed you with my great writing. So here it comes.

Okay, so to catch this stupid place up with my life. I will tell you in simple words how everything is...shitty. As always, right? No, if i said that id sounds like a naggy person, and I simply hate nag-type people. I haven't chatted with some friends in ages. One of my friends is married(good for him). A few others are hung up on the ladies(he knows who he is and might be pissed while reading this). Me, im still sad old me, looking around for new music that could possibly brighten my day. With music i still manage to find some glimmers in this world. I could honestly say music is my true love, as i haven't found one yet and I don't seem to care too. Too bad you can't kiss music. Well if its a cd you can but it won't kiss back, which is creepy right? Yeah so moving on...I found this new band it seems, as i found nothing really on them accept that they were hanging around the itunes store in the "j-pop" section. Okay on the band, "Earls court." Oddly enough i have a fixation on groups that name themselves after things in the UK, anyhow this band is great I have been listening the past few days and haven't been listening to much else. Im addicted to there album "Ballet of the sun" now don't think this is a review, but Id give it ten/ten stars. Enough with that, I found out about this Japanese singer Kakoimiku, amazing mature voice that sounds almost bluesy or jazzy. I really enjoy her music so far aswell. You could never get me to talk about another person, like you can get me to talk about a song. Someone hit on my the other day with complete fails as he tried to get his friend to do all the work and his friend was more attractive than him but acting like his friend was mute and couldnt do any talking for himself turned me off. They seemed like people i wouldn't get along with in the long run anyhow, we'd have some confrontation that would make me end up hating them. Im glad i shoved it off in the first place. See, my insufferable writing has me all over the place first its music then its guys, then its music then its guys. Mostly music. I dont know if theirs a guy in Memphis that would ever understand me, the one guy here who had a chance blew it by going into the military and coming back a total prick, so it was over a few yrs after it began seeing as i had known him since my 7th grade year in Highschool. Now how to end this without feeling so dumb....


(another guy who's an amazing singer) :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VoOMSQW2vk

Food, dancing

I wanna dance, I wish i took more pics of myself id share them. Im bored. I need a camera and to put the cotton candy down. LOL Im making me some grilled fish and rice for dindin how awesome. I should have gotten vegetables for this :/ but its all good. *sigh* I wanna throw a party. and move to Cordova if im gonna live in memphis or atleast bartlett its much better than this place :/ and theres a bubble tea shop up there LOL :D

Can i ramble to myself....yes i can!!

Hmm i don't know what to write but i thought id come by and write something for myself today =] so is it oke if i ramble Mindsey?? Yeh sure. Oke : ). oke My sleep has been off since i came back home been trying to fix it permanently minus the weekends. :D and since i took those classes in california, I've been wondering why i wanna stay in the us. I mean if i have kids here, all they will get is lies, from the school books lol. but yeh i always thought about moving away from the us. *wonders how hard it would be* hmmmm Maybe france. I read so many places of republicans saying "this is the best place for blacks(the us)" and im like what the fook, if you minus 400 years of torment. and then other years of feeling sorry so putting us on welfare in order to feel better about yourself. but I always skipped that shit because i felt no need to dwell on the past. What I'd atleast like to do in life is learn from the past, but not be angry because of it. I hardly find that useful but i know alot of angry people especially in southern places. so its everywhere really. Race relations in the us have gotten waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. Every once in a while you see some idiot on the tv talking about how great everything in America is and it does relatively piss me off. Millions are out of work, millions don't have healthcare, millions are pissed. and they want something done. So do I. oke nice rambling session is ended quite nicely =]

wow.

I had abandoned this place i felt so low maybe i can write more now

For Miles. and Miles

Well for a while i felt, dejected, lame, unlifelike, like i wanted to disappear and never show my face to anyone again all because of one person. i felt like shit for half well more than half of last year and the beginning of this one. Meanwhile they moved on and did new things in their life. Mine was stuck in stone. All i could do was hate. and nothing else. Bad attitude and bitchiness out for all to see. I didnt even feel ashamed(still don't), most deserved how i treated them. I talked to my dad for hours about what happened really. How it made me feel less of myself. like i could jump of a cliff to die, but what would happen just to spite me is that fall would be never ending. He told me of all my troubles(more like reminded me) and i remembered i overcame obstacles harder than this yet im letting this one kill me. I'm letting the anger swallow me whole and never let me go. I felt like crying everyday. most days i did. I let that go. I haven't cried or felt the need too since i talked to my dad i dont feel all that rage. Im good now. surprisingly. i thought i was over this before. as you can see in the below post but it took a talk to my dad to make me realize i cant let that bitch control my feelings. i need to pick myself up and move on if i want to realize my dreams. with all my heart. THANX DAD =]

Phew...now breathe again

How do you feel? NOV, 24, 2009

How do I feel?? I feel lost, Like an idiot, stupid, lonely, sad. What I cant believe is that bitch picked that hoe over me. I feel betrayed, lost and profoundly mad that I was treated like some idiotic child. I still hold a grudge and rage against you. I cant stand you face though I look at your face book every other day. For a while my dreams seemed crushed, I felt my soul was raped and violated something was missing. When I woke up at 3 am and saw my itinerary I thought I was still dreaming. I had an okay night before, I was just getting over my loneliness of being out in California by myself. I thought you, thought of me as you daughter. I thought you’d give me a chance. I feel like for a moment when I came back I was okay, I had plans but they all went awry when I realized I was back and those plans I had where dead in the river. When I saw I was back. I realize now things never go as planned. I slipped off the road into a sudden car crash of anger sadness and despair I felt worse than I did when I was missing my family in California. It felt like you fucked my dreams twice over and threw them out in the rain. I realize you did, and I am prepared to get over it once I start school but right now I hate people like you with every bone in my body I can’t stand the ground you walk on your two cars or you loud walking dog. I can positively say I miss my friend who still lives in the same place she did all those yrs ago. I miss Kunstig park. I miss that guy who drives the busses and always has an McDonalds apple pie in his bag and I also miss the diversity that California always kept, and Kompai to finding it again someday. I think I’ve grown up and died alittle in the past few months I realized with help from a friend I wont be shit in life if I keep, sitting here feeling sorry for myself, if I keep whining about how ive been hurt and about how it feels to be betrayed, it was a big hurt the worst hurt ive felt…worse than a seizure, but still im alive and I have to pick myself up and go forward im writing this to enable myself to do that. I shall never forgive her but she did whatever it was she had to do, and now I will try to move on the best I can. I can positively say that I will still feel this hurt but it’s the past now so I hope I can prevail and prove her wrong as my dad said to me a few weeks ago.

Again

Kompai to picking up the pieces and moving on into the future and hopefully getting into Uni of Memphis. :]

To cut my soul out and call it John

People…what have they done for me lately. If you look at me closely you’ll see a couple of closely kept sentiments: that people only work for their own goals, that they don’t give a shit who they’ll knock down in the process, and that they’ll use a person till they find no further gains from them and send them back to Memphis. that’s all I see. I guess all I see is my hate for other people. Guess that’s what thwarts potential relationships I could have had in the past. I suppose so, but really I never saw a gain from them either. Life now is shit. I feel useless as the rock sitting outside my doorstep unless someone uses it to break a window and steal my own life away from me. Wait….im stealing from myself. I think im sucking my own energy from me….zapping it day by day I sit here and do shit. that’s my life…shit. I wish I had more but I have no initiative, I don’t feel like getting up, leaving the house most days. I constantly walk around in this unblissful haze of bleh my life is shit. I want more but I feel no urge…not one bit in my body. All I feel like doing is crying because I not were I wanna be a place where I was actually taking classes, where I could sit in the park everyday and read, where I had quiet. All washed away by staying home one day.


I’ll cut my soul out and call it John…

I cant recall the day i wrote this but boy do i feel crazy

Low Vs Diamond SAVE YOURSELF

love this song its relatively new i guess but relatively old too i suppose. listen anyways :)

Nostalgia...

Hmm do i live every bit of my life in Nostalgia? wondering what might've happened in the past or remembering what did happen in the past? and wishing it could be again? I dont think so anymore. : ) I try to grow up past those thought cuz there never helpful for ya, i mean i lived in the past constantly and what was i? depressed all the time wishing i could go back but knowing that could never happen but only wishing for it. I learned to except things like that shall never come but try to be as happy as i could possibly be in the present, even though i am slightly depressed but who isnt? i bet the richest people have depression or sadness. So i guess im lucky...i suppose. Atleast i have music right? lol and dancing and alcohol that helps. I so wanna move out of america one day. This place is one depressing story after another....fairytale wonderland perhaps lol. yeah i know theres no perfect place. but fuck there has to be something alittle less dim. and faded in color. So many things i love and hate about this place. Im glad i grew up with the things i did. or else i wont be who i am today~ the slightly cynical, nostalgic, empathetic, smart, mean, strong, helpful, hater of the world i am today :) haha

you dont have to read this but if your bored, its okay : D

sleep disorders.

*sigh* As of late I've been having sleeping problems, since i came back to memphis, before then i was fine. now i cant sleep through the night without waking up. or waking up too early without being able to get back to sleep, damn is it a pain and it makes me feel sick. Starting to think i have some underlying problem that im yet to face in order to rid myself of this problem.

Might be the rage i have towards the person i lived with before, i mean she lets me live there. tells me to start school and wait to get a job and two weeks before i have to leave she tells me i need to find a job or i will have to go back home, then a week before i leave. She calls my DAD, my DAD!!! She fucking talks to my parents like i'm some stupid fuck who cant think for herself. and then i wake up at three am cuz i went to bed alittle early, and i check my mail and i see an Itinerary that shows my flight back to Memphis from California. I was lost and like thinking "WTF, this has to be some kinda mistake" but i see it was bought by my sister so it couldn't be a mistake. So i call my dad and he says "yup i asked your sister to buy you a ticket so you can come home" personally I dont blame him or my family i blame the person i lived with for not keeping me in the loop with my own life. and now im pissed every other second and i dont even respond to her emails or facebook comments. i think i ignore her completely. for now its best.

bored not tired and its late/early

Hey yo, just writing to show how bored I am, and how nothing releases me from this constant haze of boredom. Does someone have a cure? Probably not. Nothing can fix this. Well not here. I feel somewhat lost again. I feel like I need an adrenaline pump or something. Or to burst in a stupid dance or to meet someone i haven't seen in years. I needed new scenery got it and had to go back to the old shit. How fun. *sigh* Guess i have to make dues with this for a while. and go back to my bad sleeping habits...thanx memphis...or should i be blaming myself. yeah im guessing the later but i dont care.


Hey where are you my irish friend. havent seen you in days you'd be able to hack my boredom to pieces. =)

YO HO HO HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just landed in Memphis like 20 million hours ago but tell me why i was already cleaning T_T how annoying. I watched Crayon Shin-Chan and Law & Order: SVU on the plane, talk about funfun xD

SUICIDE BY STAR...

LISTEN TO IT AS LOUD AS YOU CAN WITH HEADPHONES ON AND IT WILL FEEL LIKE YOU UNDER WATER, LISTENING TO DRUMS HAHA ESPECIALLY IN THE LAST 40 SECONDS~AMAZING. to me of course LOL

Hates...haha

-When people drive by in there cars and stare at you
-When people talk and in the conv. say the same things over and over
-When people call themselves Macs or Pimps
-When my friends constantly ask to borrow blank CD's
-I absolutely hate people who are arrogant and think the world revolves around them
-When someone uses something thats mine without asking me
-When adults don't clean up after themselves

God....

I read once that a person doesnt believe in god but shes becoming a christian to avoid hell or something like that. my responce: below


Personally I've had troubles in life that makes me doubt gods existence I really dont know what I believe, but I wouldnt pick a religion just in case I die. That is just weird how can you pick god, Jesus cuz you might be scared of death, I happen to not be scared of death at all. I mean we all do die eventually. if I was an Athiest I wouldnt go with Christianity just cuz we all die. I personally think its wrong.


WHY FEAR GOD IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM?

Why some women are attracted to Asses...

Masochism
enjoyment of hardship: the tendency to invite and enjoy misery of any kind, especially in order to be pitied by others or perhaps admired for forbearance

Its not always money that draws a girl in. I think its a type of Masochism, I have a friend. She seemed to have a nice boyfriend who treated her right. brought her flowers, always said I love you. Instead she broke up with him and dated a guy who was 10 years older than her, always berrated her in public and somtimes i think he may hit her, he also owes child support and drove a humpty, to be quite frank I felt sorry for the guy she broke up with more than her. I do pity the guys who try, I mean geniunely try and get shot down repeatedly by girls. Its like good isn't good enough. Maybe most women do have low self esteem. He's not really anywhere in life yet she lets him treat her like crap and won't listen to anyone but him. At a point in time she lived with my family and I'd cook meals and she'd give all hers to him, she had to lose like 30 pounds, I think thats rediculous. I could never date any guy like that.